Hair Metal; Why It Still makes me want to get my tits out

motley crue pic

Sadly, I have to admit it does. About 2 seconds into the bass line of “Dr. Feelgood” buttons magically start popping off of my shirt and I want to find a pole to dance on. It must be a hormonal reaction, as these boys were the object of my misguided, uninformed, obsessive affections of my preteen years. Oh yes, dirty, drug addled, reckless hair bags-those are the things that my fantasies were made from.

Leather, spandex and hairspray-oh my. The spectrum of which was endless: if you liked em real pretty: Poison, Warrant, Bon Jovi and Cinderella would set your panties on fire. If you liked them pretty, but with a tad less lipstick: Skid Row, Winger, or Def Leopard would do. If dirty boys made your nipples twirl: Guns n’ Roses, Motley Crue, even Aerosmith could get ya there. I know none of them would like being lumped together, but that’s how they were plastered all over my walls, so therefore, they are of the same ilk to me. The uniform was fairly standard: leather or spandex pants, no shirt at all or some sort of vest type thing and black boots. Often those boots had 5 inch lifts because, unbeknownst to my 6 foot tall ass, the vast majority of them are short. Lots of bangle bracelets, clunky rings, multiple earrings and necklaces including, but not limited to: leather straps with pendants, dog collars and dog tags that dangled on their sweat laden chests. Even at the tender age of 14 all I could think about was running my tongue from their lips to their navels. But the fantasies stopped there as penises were still an enigma to me at that point.

Of course there is also the music. I defy you to listen to any of it and not flip your hair around like a stripper and move your hips like a swaying pendulum coaxing a hypnotic state. It was all so sexual. Some of the sexual innuendos were more blatant than others, but most of them were pretty hot. A lot of times you couldn’t tell what the fuck they were singing about, but the full on moaning dubbed onto the track was a dead give away to little ol me! It was brilliant. I look at Justin Bieber, 1 Direction and the shit that girls go bonkers for today and I know Sammy Hagar would’ve done wheelies over their faces with his “Bad Motor Scooter”. They haven’t even hit puberty yet. It’s vile. Who wants to see hairless boys dancing and singing? I like my boys a bit more depraved and playing fucking instruments for the love of God. Beating on their drum kits, ripping on low hanging guitars. That is sexy. Popping and locking? Freakish. Interesting, maybe? But, hot? Negatory.

Of course I had no idea at the time just how fucked up these boys actually were: smacked out junkies, unshowered for weeks at a time, drinking tetra fish bowl cleaner to combat venereal diseases. Yes, that shit actually happened. But ignorance is bliss, and I was in a constant state of bliss. To this day when I smell Poison perfume I am instantly transported to my 13 year old bedroom that was covered in band posters and blared 80′s “Metal” until my mother made me shut it off.

Although it was many years ago, and most of these boys are men in their 50′s and 60′s now, I still get the warm fuzzies when I see them in concert or embarrassing themselves on reality TV. I’m still rooting for them to do well and I am ever grateful for the for the good times we had together. Even if it was only in my twisted, precocious little head.

 

 

 

About Wine Scrag

I was born a share croppers daughter.... Nope that was George Jefferson. Well son, whatever. I am married and have 2 amazing girls, 5 and 3 years old. I have a bachelors degree in Psychology from a private woman's university. I learned endurance, stamina, how to love and be loved while I studied there, but I figured out that I was capable of anything afterword. I spent 3 years backpacking through Europe and East Africa and then relocated to San Francisco's Bay area. Being a part of the food and wine culture there ignited my passion. Now back on the East Coast, I am a stay at home Mom, Certified Sommelier, Blogger and all around fruitcake!

  • April Lambert

    I dont know about bringing the girls out but I do love a good 80s hairband.

    • http://www.cindybin.blogspot.com/ CindyBin2001

      How could you say that? Oh you just don’t get it OH YOU JUST DON’T GET IT! Hair metal is a DRUG! Just because it’s legal doesn’t make it right! I’m a convert to the Mormon church and we are taught why mind-altering drugs like hair metal are not for the ears!

      • April Lambert

        Oh god you again??? TROLL TROLL TROLL You’re a mosquito on the ass of society. Shoo shoo

        • http://www.cindybin.blogspot.com/ CindyBin2001

          AAAAAAAARGHHHHHH OH YOU ARE DRIVING ME BANANAS!!!! No, coconuts!!!! Are you a mother? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

  • http://www.cindybin.blogspot.com/ Cindy Bin (Cindybin2001)

    AAARGGHHH, OH THIS MAKES ME FURIOUS! It is TERRIBLE you use the t-word for breasts! How crude and offensive!!!

  • Cindy Bin

    AAARGGGHHHH! I can’t believe this! Now you are using the t-word for breasts?? What is WRONG with you?? And again, you are a MOTHER?? I just read your article about American Girl dolls where you used the f-word–I had to stop reading, I was so upset. And then I check out your profile to see who are you are, and you use the t-word?? In the TITLE of your article?? HOW CRUDE AND UNLADYLIKE! Oh this just makes me furious! And then your profile says you were part of the “food and wine culture.” Again, I have ranted against alcohol for ten years online! Alcohol is a DRUG. Just because it’s legal doesn’t make it right. We will never get the pot smokers to understand why it’s wrong and immature to use drugs, as long as grown adults think nothing of using a mind-altering drug in the form of alcohol!! People need to grow up and set an example and not use mind altering drugs. Oh this just makes me so mad. Here I was doing a search for American Girl dolls online, came across your article, see that you used the f-word in it, and then I see that you use the t-word in the title of this article, and that you use alcohol!! I just can’t believe it! All because I was searching for info about nice, innocent dolls!! I wish I had never seen this blog, it makes me so depressed to think there are women like you out there. How does your husband feel about you using such crude, unladylike language and using alcohol??

    • Winescrag

      He loves when I get loaded and talk dirty to him. And I agree, this blog is DEFINATELY not for you. Don’t worry, there are plenty of vanilla ladies out there for you to commiserate with.

    • Tulip

      I smell a troll.

      • http://www.cindybin.blogspot.com/ Cindy Bin (Cindybin2001)

        AARGGHHH, I am not a “troll”! I am the “guest” who originally made that comment. How can you think that just because a woman says we shouldn’t use the t-word for breasts, that she’s a “troll”? What parent would ever raise their child to grow up and use such language???

        • Bob Boberson Mcfarts

          Cindy Bin is a pirate AARGGHH SHIVER MY TIMBERS AND POOP ON STARBURST THEN EAT IT YUMMY IN MY PEE THEN MY POOPIE AND PEEPEE GET MARRIED AND HAVE KIDS NAMED DIAHREEA AND GOLD LIQUID VINDY BIN SAYS AAARHRHRJF IN EVERY SINGLE COMMENT OF HERS HI MATEY DINDY DIN
          GMKFKKKKKKKKKFDKDKKDKSKSDJSJDJSDMJDMJDJKDKKDLFLFGLG

    • Amymomof3girls

      I know that I mentioned this before, but you really need to respect other’s opinions. And, like I said, I don’t use profanity, drink alcohol, touch myself, smoke or use drugs, or have ANY tattoos. But if I see a post involving wine or profanities, I certainly won’t click it to rant. I will ignore it, simple as that.
      I see that in another comment you said that you prefer rape, child abuse, or animal abuse over the legalization of marijuana! I, too am against legalization of marijuana but I don’t prefer ANY of those things over the legalization of marijuana! Actually, as long as no one in my family is smoking marijuana and my children still have no idea what it is, that’s really all that matters to me. Though I would prefer it to be illegal, I don’t care that much to rant about it.
      Also, I have friends who drink wine. They’re incredible ladies (and mommies) and I won’t drop them as friends or judge them, because they’re my friends and I love them.
      I did, one time, have to ask someone in a restaurant to stop smoking, because it was clogging the air with smoke, and so he did, but didn’t look too pleased.
      I don’t drink alcohol because I just didn’t find it that appealing, for that matter.
      I also see that you called coffee and tea “mind-altering drugs”. I enjoy a cup of coffee every morning and a nice cup of green tea every now and then. They don’t make you drunk and they’re not drugs.

      • Guest

        AAARGGGHHHH OH YOU PEOPLE ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY! I am glad that you don’t use alcohol. And coffee and tea are mind-altering drugs!! Also, I do prefer rape, child abuse, or animal abuse over the legalization of marijuana!! OH YOU ARE PROMOTING MIND-ALTERING DRUGS!! AND YOU SHOULD BE RANTING ABOUT THE LEGALIZATION OF MARIJUANA IF YOU CARED ABOUT YOUR FAMILY AND YOU’RE A MOTHER? YOU CAN’T JUST BE AGAINST IT? HAVE MORE POWER!! AND I AM NOT A HYPOCRITE!! I CUSSED TO SHOW THE PEOPLE HOW TERRIBLE THEY ARE!! OH I JUST HOPE YOU DIE!! AND YOUR FRIENDS PROMOTE ALCOHOL!!!!!!! OH HOW TERRIBLE!! YOU SHOULD HAVE RANTED TO THE GUY THAT WAS SMOKING!! AND MY MESSAGE IS ALL ABOUT PROMOTING CHILDREN DOING DRUGS!! WHAT A THING TO DO! OH AND HOW COULD YOU LOVE FRIENDS THAT DRINK WINE! I TYPE MY FINGERS TO THE BONE ONLINE RANTING AND RANTING AND ABHORRING!! IT IS MY JOB!! IF YOUR CHILDREN DON’T DO DRUGS THEN THEY’RE AWFUL!! DO YOU LOVE YOUR CHILDREN??

        • Amymomof3girls

          What is wrong with you? Let me address your ridiculousness one by one:
          Coffee and tea aren’t mind-altering drugs. Alcohol may be, I completely understand that, but certainly not coffee and tea!
          Rape, child abuse, and animal abuse are much worse than the legalization of a stupid, worthless drug!
          In no way, am I promoting mind-altering drugs! I DRINK coffee and tea, I don’t promote them! And, read what I said above, they’re NOT mind-altering drugs!

          Why am I not ranting against the legalization of marijuana? Because I have better things to do with my time than rant!
          I have an incredible family! And I care about them! If I don’t rant, how does it mean that I don’t care about them?! And I indeed am a mother!

          And doing something hypocritical is means doing something that you’re against! Clearly, you haven’t checked the definition.
          Then you crossed the line and told me to die. What kind of person are you? One who makes death threats and judges others, I see.
          My friends don’t promote alcohol! Again, if you drink it, you’re not promoting it!
          Why didn’t I rant? I will gladly answer that. Who, except you, would want to embarass themselves in public?
          The idea of children doing drugs is awful! I’ve spoken with my three daughters about why drugs are wrong.

          I love my friends, because again, they’re incredible.
          You’ve done all your rants for nothing, because no one will change themselves “because a crazy woman on the Internet told them to”.
          MY CHILDREN AREN’T AWFUL! I have three daughters (ages newly eleven, eight, and three). How dare you say that!?
          I love my kids more than the air that I breathe or the steps that I take! I love being a mother and no one could ever change that!
          So, go ahead and contradict yourself!
          Maybe you should go read a book on how to be non-judgmental.